Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
