my phone needs a breathalizer
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
