You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
