my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
