you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
