I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
