I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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