Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
We named our party play list daddy issues
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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