god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
