Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
