Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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