Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
