You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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