I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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