Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
4 words: hood of his car
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
