I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
