Betty ford says i'm here all night
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
