god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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