just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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