At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
