Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
