Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
