I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
