Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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