i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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