She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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