Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
