I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
