I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
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She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
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The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.