i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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