Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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