im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
