don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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