I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
