I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
