So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
