I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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