I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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