mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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