Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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