I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
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It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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