This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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