The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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