did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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