ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
