I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
