it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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