I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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