I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I need to align my fucking chakras
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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