help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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