before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
