I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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