Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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