I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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