More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
