I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
