This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
