dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
