Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
